HEART+          .

Soul

The depths of an instagram post

Yesterday I wrote this post.

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This right here is a photo of a woman who has come to know who she is and WHO she belongs to. And the more I embrace this woman-the more I like her. Sounds so strange to say that right? But I believe truly that you can’t fully love people WELL unless you’ve learned to love yourself FIRST! Friend, You don’t have to be perfect to be wonderful. #loveyourself#loveothersasyouloveyourself#girlstopapologizing#muralalleybakersfield#graceyourself#HISgraceissufficient

So many times our instagram posts are so misunderstood-because it’s difficult to share an entire story in one post-especially if the story is years in the making. So, here’s some insight to the depths of this post….

I’m in the best season of my life internally…but it cost me a price that most don’t even know that I had to pay. They assume that when I say that I’m confident it’s in reference to a confidence in how I “feel or see myself physically” or whatever. A confidence that is being taught by many now a days. This “SELF-WORTH message. That’s not what I’m talking about at all! My self-worth came from a place of CRUSHING. It came from a place of actually becoming less, becoming second, putting my husband first, putting God’s intimate whispers FIRST, and putting my FEELINGS and NEEDS and “WORTH” second-I put myself LAST. [You will understand the depths of what I’m saying soon-as God continues to unravel my story].

You may see a girl in front of a cool wall trying to take a cool “instagramable” photograph that will get more likes. You may read my post and understand one level of what I’m trying to say. But you don’t understand the depths of where I’ve been to boldly say what I’m saying. I know who I am because I know WHO’S I am. God has brought me through so much. He has carried me through a season that should have broke every bit of confidence within me as a woman. Yet, that season made me. But not before it broke me completely into a million shattered pieces. There were so many scenarios that could’ve come from that season. Either I could’ve remained broken. Either I could’ve repaired with tape for a quick fix only to fall apart in my near future. Or I could’ve done what I chose to do….I waited….I waited for God to piece me back together. Piece by piece. And when he pieced me back together he left the cracks as traces to remind me of where I’ve been so I can relate to others who are where I’ve been and to keep me vulnerable enough to let His perfect light shine through my brokenness. I will never be the same. So many things changed and in the hardest season of my life, I learned WHAT I WAS TRULY MADE OF.

Beware my friends of that GIRL POWER type of confidence. The one that forms from hurt and pain. If there’s hurt and pain and brokenness…don’t piece yourself together with tape and say YOU GOT THIS-YOU ARE TOUGH but in the inside you’re heart is aching. Instead, let God piece you back together, little by little, day by day. If someone ever told you you weren’t worthy, don’t tell yourself you’re worthy, let God show you that you’re worthy. It’s different. You see, I’ve gotten to a place of understanding…I’M ACTUALLY NOT ENOUGH. I’m vulnerable, weak, emotional, crushed, prideful, selfish, etc etc [I mean yes of course I have some good attributes-but even those are not enough]-but Jesus is enough for me. When I let Him in. When I let Him piece me back together. When I let Him instruct my next step. When I let Him whisper to my heart. When I let Him soften the hard areas of my heart. When I let Him humble me …only then do I become WHOLE and only then can I approach life CONFIDENTLY knowing that I may not be enough-BUT HE’S MORE THAN ENOUGH.

If you’ve made it through this entire post, you may be interested in going deeper into some resources. Here are a few inspirations and key things that made me brave enough to share the depths of my post:

TD Jakes + Steven Furtick Interview: CRUSHING [warning-this will be different if you’re not used to a church setting-but it may change your life-just saying]

Reading poetry from Morgan Harper Nichols’ book “Storyteller”

Sitting in on the message at Discovery Church on “Faceless”